Music Meets Recovery

If you're a music lover, and even if you aren't, we all have a soundtrack of our lives. It may include TV commercial music beds, adverts, or simply the most spins from any top billboard charts on any number of radio stations that may have been playing within earshot. Some of us remember what song was on the air when we fell in love for that first time or what music played when we were heartbroken or when someone close to us died. Music can be a memory for so many occasions. Think about it for a moment and I'm pretty sure you'll come up with at least one song that comes to mind that is connected to an occasion from your past, both for happy or sad memories. Thread them all together and I call that the soundtrack of my life. The Music Soup shares with you some of the live music events that I attend, and in the last couple of years I've also woven recovery into this publication. We started out as only music photography and reviews. But these two things, music and recovery have both become very dear to my heart. I've found that every time I mention my involvement and gratitude for recovery organizations, I get private notes, questions, and requests for help. So far, a handful of people that have reached out from my recovery mentions are now clean and sober. And as long as it is helping others, I'll continue. Besides, as I've found through my own personal experience... it can be good for both mental and physical health, and for the soul. Especially for those of us in the mid and latter part of life. When I began sharing stories of my recovery with friends, one of my dearest friends wrote this song for me about being supportive during this (sometimes) very difficult part of life. The band is called The Musers, please have a listen to this very clever song.

I celebrate two birthdays in the month of February. Not the day of my birth, but two days signifying my involvement with recovery organizations. February 8, 2022 marks the first Zoom meeting I ever attended, and February 24, 2020 was the last time I was inebriated. The first Refuge Recovery meeting I ever attended on Feb 8, 2022, is the very same meeting I've been leading for 3.5 years (Refuge Recovery's, True North meeting, 5pm Tuesdays, via zoom). Please join us if you ever have the opportunity. All are welcome. It's a 90 minute Zoom meeting with a lovely group of people of all kinds, from all over the globe, dealing with both substance and process addictions. It's focus is on codepency but everyone is welcome. I will hopefully be stepping aside soon and handing the reigns to someone else as soon as a volunteer steps in as my replacement. It's been an incredible journey of service for me, healing childhood trauma, overcoming heartbreak and building a better awareness of myself at my core. I now mentor other people going through their own recovery journeys with both addiction and attachment traumas.

In the past 4 years I've learned so much about what is at the core of addiction - attachment wounds and how they directly correlate to addiction are right there. I do my best to support those struggling with their own attachment wounds within recovery where the two meet. We all have attachment styles formed in childhood. I've learned that at our core, addictions of all kinds are created to numb the painful attachment wounds that were formed many years ago. Usually from childhood trauma like abandonment and neglect. Not nessesarily news worthy neglect. Most were from decent homes where we were fed and sheltered, but abandoned physically and/or emotionally. This neglect (from our seemingly 'good parents') forms deep attachment wounds (anxious or avoidant), that we then carry into our adult relationships. Some attachment wounds can also form from previous heartbreak when we were very young. Mine may have started in utero as I was born to a birthmother who did not want me, so I was adopted at birth. I was told that even the fetus, (me) can feel being unwanted even before birth. Hence having abandonment trauma. And these powerful emotions can create the 'triggers' which we then carry into our present adult relationships. These triggers can create hurt and distance with partners in the present who may simply love and support us. They didn't directly cause the triggers. As all triggers are caused from past wounds - ALWAYS. We numb the past core wound pain with process and substance addictions of all kinds. Drugs, alcohol, shopping, porn, gambling, sex, etc. And when this happens, unless we have done intense attachment focused therapy and 'walk through the ghost' of the painful triggers, (from our nervous system), we may never form long lasting bonds, like other more securely attached people do. Especially with those who we grow very connected and close to. The triggers that form are basically from fearing that the person we bond with will leave us and cause a similar soul crushing pain like our parents did a long time ago. We fear that this would recreate that deep childhood trauma we suffered, (all at a very sub-conscience level).  Like in the film, Good Will Hunting...When in the end, Robin Williams hugs Matt Damon and says, "its not your fault"...that makes me cry everytime. Because it wasn't his fault...it was how he was raised. His parents did that to him. Not the person standing in front of them that they form a bond with in the present. This is created by this inner fear we are not even aware of. And bottom line...fear doesn't stop the end of a relationship, fear stops the relationship. That's why "walking through the ghost" is so important. It's always hardest to do the tough stuff! So instead we may remain alone or we numb with whatever we can to get through life on a surface superficial isolated level, and we may unintentionally hurt good people along the way. Even those good people who wanted nothing more than to love, support and/or help us. As for attachment traumas and how they walk through life....with anxious attachers, they want everyone to be happy, even at the expense of self. They are good caregivers. And terrified of abandonment. With avoidant attachers, they may become hyper independent, and outwordly look as if they don't need anyone. They build walls and rarely let anyone in. And beneath all their 'protection', they are also terrified of abandonment. And when they find that special bond, and let that special person in, it's only a matter of time that their nervous system feels the trigger and runs away, as if they came face to face with a mountain lion. Mostly through self sabotage - "I'll leave them before they can leave me", kinda thing. That's what leaves the other person in such great pain and wondering wtf happened, the partner that was left may feel duped and whiplashed. Because there was nothing wrong with their relationship...there was only something wrong with their avoidant partners' relationship TO relationships and closeness. But everyone needs some sort of deep human connection. Even avoidant attachers. In some cases simply making an amends to the good people we've hurt along the way, can help us heal. That's why recovery incorporates making amends to those we have hurt. For some avoidants this is too difficult, as they may feel it's weak to apologise or make an amends. When it's just the opposite. It takes strength, bravery and courage to admit ones fault and apologize and be vulnerable. This false trait of "weakness" was more than likely taught by a parent. Many dads back in the day said, don't cry, don't apologize - thats weakness, or worse...that's for sissies! I beleive it's completely the opposite. It takes a strong person to admit they were wrong. It's weak to hide and stay silent. And, even though every recovery program requires in the 'steps'/'inventories', that we make an amends to those we've hurt along the way, I think, for some people, unless they've done the hard work and truly don't want to go through life alone-they won't make an amends. Until then...doing the hardest and bravest, most courageous act of all - IS personal healing, by walking thru that ghost and enduring and naming the painful triggers they experience whilst close to another person. Making those amends to the innocent people we've hurt along the way-that's real bravery and strength. That's why I try to help share this info with others in the recovery meetings. There is so many resources out there. Many experts in this field, of which I am not. My experience walking through my own attachment wounds has enlightened me so much so, I can now help others by simply being there for them and sharing my resources with them so they can help themselves. I am always open to helping others if I can, even if it's just sharing a good book, a attachment coach on You Tube or just lending an ear. If you're reading this and want to know more, please feel free to email me, as I'm happy to share the resources I have found on this subject that have helped my journey of becoming more securely attached. So if you think you may have attachment issues, please know, it IS fixable with some hard work. And remember-it's not your fault...in most cases, it's simply how you were raised. When I end these articles with "life is short...never regret the things that made you smile etc." I mean every word. Life IS short and gets shorter everyday. Doing the hard work on ourselves and making things right with those who have touched our lives and helped us, may be the most important thing we can do for ourselves. It's the most courageous thing we can do for sure. I have done it and continue doing the work daily. It's been the most rewarding thing I've done thusfar, and well worth it.

Apart from the Refuge Recovery's True North and other RR, meetings, I also attended many Alanon/AA/NA related meetings along my healing journey. But the 'higher power' thing never sat well with me, as I also hear this from many others. I'm not a religious person and there's a lot of higher power/god talk in those meetings. Bill Wilson (the founder of AA) never changed the wording. Many people seem to have this same complaint. I wish I read the following article a couple of years ago because the idea of music being my higher power would've made perfect sense to me. I know that the AA organization has helped loads of addicts throughout many years, but many people do come into my meeting and any non AA meetings and say the same thing..."I just couldn't do the god talk anymore". So they usually switch to one of the alternative programs such as, Refuge Recovery, Recovery Dharma or Smart Recovery and find the absence of the 'god/higher power' talk, a refreshing spiritual change for the better. For those non religious people it tends to be 'more digestible'. The only AA style meetings I've continued attending over the past few years are the meetings for those in the music industry. It's the Passenger Recovery Zoom meeting, lead by Chris, in Detroit (Chris is in a touring band as are some others in the group). This meeting started out only for touring musicians and has opened up to musicians and creatives of all kinds in the music biz. Chris has been a pillar of strength and service for many passing through the meeting and for us 'regulars.'' Chris has lead this meeting for a solid six years. I was refferred to this meeting nearly four years ago and have remain connected to it ever since. And I learn so much from it, from the others/most of which are recovering addicts. When I'm at The NAMM Show, (National Assoc. of Music Merchants) in Anaheim, I also attend another recovery meeting for those in the music biz. This Safe Harbour/ NAMM one was the first meeting I ever attended. These two meetings have shown me what a deep imprint music has on our souls. These meetings connect music people at the deepest level by intersecting music and recovery. Those who are struggling with life, and those that walk the path of healing addiction at our core is super powerful. I'll never forget that first meeting was at the NAMM Show a few years ago. Although I started recovery simply to support another person, I continued for myself. I found that doing service for others is the most powerful healing I have done for myself. Whether you're taking care of a loved one through their own journey of getting sober, or doing service for virtual strangers on the other side of the world...doing service is something I feel grateful for on a daily basis....I've gratefully mentored some wonderful people struggling with addictions and deeply imbedded attachment wounds. And I appreciate having this opportunity very much. Both the mentor and the mentee benefit greatly from this relationship of recovery. Covid brought other baggage to people and music. When the pandemic hit, I and thousands of others in the music industry found ourselves out of work as there were no live shows...everything was recorded or via Zoom. Social distancing changed humanity. And if we were lucky, we had another person to shelter with. Many did not. But one thing that remained, was connecting to music. If we couldn't do anything else...we could still hear music in our homes. At the start of the shut down, I saw a glimpse of that life without live music, so I purchased a killer sound system and found recorded concerts on the telly and laid on the floor so I could feel the music, like one does at a live show. It helped. But the connections to people in venues all watching live music together was still missing. Luckily, my partner at the time was also a music lover, and we both seemed to feel the absence of live music and miss what our lives were before Covid. Many also found that rehearsing with a band presented its own difficulties during Covid. As I was sheltering in place with another music head, we were on this journey of no live music together which really softened the blow of no live gigs as there was still a human connection for us both. But sadly, they felt the need to leave the relationship, (what I later learned - due to attachment wounds). That relationship reminds me of a saying I have always liked.... it's attributed to a poem by Brian Chalker, "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime." Although I thought the person I was with at the time and going through the shutdown and supporting them in their much needed sobriety journey, was 'for a lifetime'....sadly, they made their choice to walk away. So perhaps the 'lifetime' may be in another life down the road. Only the universe knows. When that 'surprise' exit occurred, it led me down my own path of healing. As my heart was crushed. I then chose to reacquaint with friends, but mostly with myself. Before, I would simply monkey branch into another relationship - possibly to avoid my own deep work and walking through my own ghost. I now understand now that I don't want to leave this life wihout cleaning up what was dealt to me in my own childhood and hopefully living a happier healthier future. This journey I've been on in the last few years, was indeed my own 'Saturn Return'. Was it easy? No, it was the most difficult three+ years of my life, but I've come out the other side and after a lot of intense work and doing much service, and a lot of self care, all for which I'm forever grateful. Recently I've been asked to be a part of a new meeting in the near future, solely about helping to recognize and help heal attachment wounds at the intersection of recovery. Life is good. In the past few years I've also welcomed a lot of forgiveness into my heart. A friend once wrote on a post it note, "Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past can change". It's been on my refrigerator for years now and I get reminded daily. Also I learned that foregiveness is a temporary thing which alleviates the pressure of forever. Everything is temporary in Buddhism. And not being able to forgive is like carrying a bag of rocks. Forgiveness is for me, not for the person who may have caused me pain. This morning in the Passenger Recovery meeting, we read this article from The Village Voice, by Andrew WK. And he writes so perfectly about the issues regarding the higher power thing in meetings and also how music connects people. I wanted to share this as it is for anyone that connects deeply to music and may be struggling with Bill Wilsons' wording in all AA meetings. As Andrew WK writes, music can also be a higher power! The meeting today and this reading from the Village Voice, is what my inspiration was for this article.... Dear Andrew,

Your answer to last week’s question really helped me. I could relate to both you and the person who wrote in. I’ve actually gone to a program to conquer my addiction to painkillers, but I always got stuck on the “higher power” stuff. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get myself to give in to the “spiritual experience” they were talking about. I’m a business student by day and a musician by night, and I’ve always paid my own way and taken care of myself, including taking responsibilities for my own troubles. Now I’m having the same old trouble with pills again, and in my efforts to quit, I’m again being encouraged to turn myself over to this “higher power” concept. That seems like a cop-out. I want to get cleaned up, but how can I be true to myself when I really don’t believe in this higher-power spiritual stuff? High Versus Higher Power

Dear High Versus Higher Power,

Thank you for asking about this. And thank you for reading last week’s advice column and sharing your thoughts. I’m really glad you could relate to it.

I strongly believe everyone should think for themselves. And I totally agree with you that no one should be required to believe in anything in order to stop doing something. So I only offer the following idea as a humble suggestion.

When it comes to the idea of a “higher power,” what about thinking of it this way:

You’re a musician, and you clearly love and believe in music. What if music is your higher power?

I’m sure you’ll agree that music is overwhelming and undeniably powerful, and I’m sure you’ll also agree that music can make you feel deeply, truly good. In addition, we’re aware that music gives us a genuine and reliable physical high — the euphoric rush of gleeful excitement when a perfect melody rushes through us — the butterflies in the stomach and goosebumps we get when a music moment hits us just right — those are real physical sensations. There are times when the sound of music can truly change not just our thoughts and moods, but the actual feeling in our body. Music is a force that changes what it feels like to exist. Music makes life feel better.

But did you invent music? Did anyone invent music? Certainly, we can invent songs and sounds, and instruments and technologies that work with music, but where did the very phenomenon of music come from? What is this feeling?

And even though we didn’t invent music, we have this very real and relatively effortless ability to access it, harness it, and feel it work inside us. We can feel how it’s really a part of us, and maybe even that we are a part of it.

But what is it? What is music? It’s obviously something that can’t really be seen or touched or smelled, just heard and, most of all, felt. Out of all the things we experience in day-to-day life, nothing really works quite like music. It’s frequencies and vibrations, but why do they have this unbelievably powerful effect on us?

Music is something completely different than anything else we encounter, and yet it’s also very familiar to us — as close and dear to us as a family member or best friend. But unlike a close friend, no matter how accustomed we are to hearing music and feeling its magic, it remains mysterious and somehow removed from us — as infinitely complex and wondrous as the whole of existence. Maybe music is the sound of existence itself.

Much like the staggering vastness of existence, music is something that is infinitely bigger than us — and yet, despite all of its undeniable otherworldly grandeur, it is also very simple and small and close — we can bring music out of the smallest places, just by humming a melody or whistling a tune. It’s remarkable how something as huge and omnipresent as music can also be so up-close-and-personal and literally be inside of us.

So, when someone says you need to have a spiritual experience, I say the feelings you get from music also count as a spiritual experience. The part of you that feels something indescribable from music is the feeling of your own soul connecting with the spirit that lives inside all of us.

Music is a very real higher power. It counts just as much as any other higher power people turn to. And it’s all part of the same ultimate power, which is impossible to define or explain anyway — just like music — the ultimate power and truth of the world is something that can only be felt and experienced.

No matter what anyone else tries to force you to believe in, you just have to believe in the truth of being moved by music — everything else you need eventually emerges from that same place and feeling.

Let music move you more than ever — allow it to be bigger than you, and yet also a part of you. Trust in that feeling of music and trust in your love for that feeling and your ability to recognize and appreciate it.

And if believing in music works for you, don’t let anyone else tell you it’s not good enough.

Your friend, Andrew W.K. Andrew WK article: https://www.villagevoice.com/ask-andrew-w-k-how-can-i-believe-in-a-higher-power-when-i-dont/ And for those who may be struggling with addictions or life problems, the following is from AA, it's read at the end of my Passenger meeting, and may or may not speak to you: PROMISES

1. If we are painstaking about this phase of our development,

we will be amazed before we are half way through.

2. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

3. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

4. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know

peace.

5. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see

how our experience can benefit others.

6. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

7. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in

our fellows.

8. Self-seeking will slip away.

9. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

10. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

11. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which

used to baffle us.

12. We will suddenly realize that our HP is doing for us what

we could not do for ourselves

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being

fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

They will always materialize if we work for them. As always, remember..."Life is short...break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably, meditate often, be kind to each other, and never regret anything that made you smile". And of course...see live music-as loud and as much as possible!

With peace, love, art and music, 

Cheryl  ☮ ❤️🎵 If you enjoy The Music Soup and want us to continue bringing you content like this please consider donating any amount you can to help keep us going!

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